Love

The first time I read the beginning line of Hafez’s first poem as an adolescent, I was puzzled by what it claimed. It says:

O Saki pass around and offer the bowl of wine
For love appeared easy at first but turned out to be difficult

I asked myself, what is it about love that makes it seem easy at first… and why does it become so difficult? I will attempt to answer this question raised by Hafez some 700 hundred years ago.

Among human beings, and perhaps among some animals, the feeling of love for another starts with a strong attraction. For people who are not genetically related this attraction is usually physical, and for those who are genetically linked the attraction is emotional. An example of the former would be a physical attraction between lovers and an example of the latter would be the unconditional love of a mother for her son. The experience of love culminates in the experience of attachment. The intensity of attachment can vary from wanting to be with the loved one to not being able to live without the person we love.

It appears that a strong feeling of attraction is beyond our control and works at the biological level. In a case of romantic partners, both physical and psychological features attract them towards one another. Scientific research shows that the brains of people who are strongly attracted to each other, or who fall in love, release certain chemicals such as dopamine and serotonin, which play significant roles in our biology and the maintenance of our organs, as well as relate to pleasure and cravings.

Scientific research also shows that strong physical attraction and the feeling of falling in love lasts from one and a half to three years. Physical love between people requires another ingredient or element for it to survive and grow. This element, which some people manage to cultivate in their relationship, is commitment. Commitment is the feeling we have that no matter what happens, even in the face of difficulties, we will make our love work and have the relationship continue. As our commitment to one another increases, our sense of attachment to one another increases.

However, for love to be transformed from a strong feeling of physical attraction to a form of commitment, it requires letting go of some of our wishes and desires for the sake of another and engaging in more selfless acts. At this stage, love requires doing something for the sake of the other even though this goes against our egotistical desires, and even though it cannot be justified with rational thought. We need to do things for each other to sustain love and make it grow. But the catch here is that things we do for another person's sake should not be transactional. For the love to grow you should do it without any expectation of reward or benefit.

I think the same processes are at work at the spiritual level. It always starts with a feeling of strong attraction towards something ineffable. This experience of the ineffable can be triggered by almost anything, ranging from meeting another human being, to walking in the wilderness, reading a poem, listening to a piece of music or surviving a terrible accident. One may experience an overwhelming sense of beauty and awe which leads to an experience of love. One may not even know what the object of one’s love is, but it is overwhelming. Though such a love is triggered by some specific event, it transcends any physical form and encompasses everything.

The mystical experience of love of the ineffable can happen totally unexpectedly, but the effect of it is overwhelming and overpowering. Yet at the same time spiritual love, like physical love, is usually short lived. It comes when we least expect it and disappears quickly, leaving us in a state of bewilderment. There are of course those whose experience of love and beauty is so strong that it becomes part of their being for the rest of their lives. Perhaps Rumi’s encounter with his master Shams is one such case. Rumi remained in the state of love without any effort for the rest of his life. But for most of us, the experience of strong attraction to the ineffable and to divine love is brief and fleeting. Our search for spirituality is a quest for the source of our ineffable experience, as we want to return to the state of all-encompassing and all-embracing love. And here I think in order to sustain such a love, just as with physical love, we need to make a commitment. But the question is, commitment to what and to whom? In Sufism, it is the commitment that we make to our spiritual guide that we will never give in to negativity and despair. We make a vow to surrender to God, which means no matter what happens we remain steadfast on the path of love.

The first cause of human despair is experiencing suffering in the world, as well as witnessing the pettiness and meanness of some human beings. As soon as we give in to such an experience, and view the world and life as ugly and without any purpose, we give in to the experience of despair and negativity. However, we can be saved from despair by our recollection that we did once experience love of the ineffable and we know that life can indeed be experienced as something beautiful and meaningful.

The second of cause of human despair is the ego, which works hand in hand with rational thinking. Just like human love, spiritual love requires self-sacrifice and a greater degree of selflessness for it to flourish. If we see ugliness and suffering in the world, the right course of action is, instead of feeling despair, doing something to improve the situation. And this of course requires us to go against our ego and self-interest. Our rational thought always tells us 'Don’t do it because there is nothing in it for you'. It continues to warn us not to engage in something that not only does not provide us with pleasure and happiness but that will make us suffer for the sake of someone that we may not even know.

Divine love or love of the ineffable makes us accept the world the way it is in a profound sense. Accepting the world doesn’t mean being indifferent. It means submitting to whatever is beyond our control, while at the same time doing everything in our power to improve the situation for others. This is the challenge for those who are committed to the path of love. Never lose hope and always look at the world through the prism of beauty. When you see suffering in the world, don’t give in to negativity. Show caring and love instead

I began this discourse with a line from Hafez, and have shown why it is true that the path of love is easy at first but it becomes difficult after a while. It is appropriate to end this talk with another Hafez poem about love, telling us that love is the only path worth travelling in this world.

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Love is a path which does not have any places to rest
It is full of dangers and difficulties, there is no remedy on this path other than self-sacrifice

Anytime is a good time to give your heart completely to love
You do not need to consult a book or prayer beads for the right course of action

‍—Hafez‍