Friendship

I'd like to say a few words about the topic of friendship before our silent meditation.

When I was much younger, I read this story about Ibrahim Adham, a 9th-century Sufi master, and it basically stuck with me and made me think about the nature of friendship.

The story is about a stranger arriving at Ibrahim Adham's house and staying there for 3–4 days. At the end of his stay, he turned to Ibrahim and said, "Thank you very much. I wonder if you could tell me some of my faults during these three days that I stayed with you?" Ibrahim responded by saying, "I look at you with the eye of a friend and therefore I could not see any faults in you." This made me think about what it means to look at somebody with the eye of a friend and not see any faults.

I first thought about how people get attracted to each other to become friends, and I was reminded of Rumi's poem:

ذره ذره کاندرین ارض و سماست
جنس خود را هریکی چون کهرباست

Which means, "All of the particles in the universe, from this earth and above, attract their own kind like a magnet." So we human beings have all different qualities. Sometimes we notice that we lack certain qualities when we encounter another person, or sometimes we have similar qualities. We constantly search for people who can complement us, perfect us, and teach us. Most of the time, similar qualities in us are the basis of attraction. However, you get a spectrum of all sorts of qualities in human beings. You might get, on one end of the spectrum, people who are into crime and deceitfulness, and they want to learn how to perfect that around similar people, so they join organized crime and the mafia. Then you get, at the other end of the spectrum, those who are interested in divine qualities and ideals, like goodness, love, and friendship, and they attract different kinds of people.

So we find friends in those people that have certain qualities we are seeking to perfect, and we share with them a certain perspective, a common goal in life. And through this attraction and chemistry, we become friends—to learn from each other and to perfect each other and complement each other. Perhaps in the Ibrahim Adham story, he felt a certain quality—sincerity, for example—that the guest had, and he only saw that and didn’t see any faults, and gave him all he could to perfect this quality.

But the second point about friendship that I want to speak about is loyalty. We often hear about fidelity and loyalty in friendship. There are two points about loyalty and fidelity I'd like to make. The first point is the question of why loyalty to a friend is necessary. Well, if you want to perfect a certain quality or cultivate a certain quality in yourself, you have to put in effort and time, and appreciate the other person or the friend who can help you to perfect this quality. And so it requires some element of loyalty to reach the stage that you want to reach, and after you learn the quality, you remain loyal because you are grateful to your friend for cultivating that quality or knowledge in you. This brings me to the second question, which is also relevant to another sort of friendship, especially the friendships pertaining to spiritual schools. And that is, how to be loyal? How is it possible to practice loyalty or fidelity?

From my experience, from the time I was growing up, I was always coming across people, and they compared themselves at any given moment to that moment before their initial encounter with the spiritual master and embarking on the spiritual path. They spoke about what they got from the friendship with the master and the friendship with the other Sufis… how they were before and how they are after their friendship.

That is an important point of reference. Just always go back to where you were before you came to the khaniqah, to the spiritual path. Think about whether you've made any progress, in terms of qualities that you were after or the things that happened. If you see that you've made some progress in that respect from what you were initially, that creates in you a sense of gratefulness and therefore some kind of fidelity to what you owe to the school or to your teacher.

I was reminded of a story that I learned, again in my youth, and this was told by Rumi in his Mathnawi. It's the story of King Mahmoud and his favorite servant, or companion, Ayaz. In this story, Sultan Mahmud was very close to Ayaz and bestowed upon Ayaz many treasures and possessions. The King's companions and advisors became very jealous of the relationship between the king and Ayaz, so they went to the king and complained about Ayaz. They told the king a fabricated story that Ayaz had a room that was locked, where nobody could enter, and they suspected that he had stolen many of the King's possessions and kept them in that room. They planted the seed of doubt in the King's mind, and so the king ordered them to break through the door and see what was inside. When they went inside, they saw a pair of old slippers and a shepherd's cloak. They went and told the king what they found. And the king asked Ayaz to come and explain what he did in that room and the reason for him keeping those items in the room. Ayaz replied, "Every day I go there and I wear that pair of old slippers and the shepherd’s cloak which I wore when I was working as a shepherd before I met you. This is to remind myself that I am really only a shepherd, and it is through your generosity that I am now having such possessions and such a position. In reality, I am still that poor shepherd. I have become what I am now only through the kindness of the king, and for this I am always grateful."

Loyalty and fidelity are qualities that you need to cultivate in yourself by comparing yourself now, after many years of receiving the benefit from your friend’s company, to what you were before you met your friend. The same applies to the khaniqah and the Sufis around you.

Never forget what you've learned. Of course, the world changes constantly, people change, and different people come and some people leave. You may encounter some problems on the path—there is always hardship in one’s life—but always go back to what you have learned. And that will help you to stay on the path and stay on the path of friendship and love.

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